My daughter

I have to begin this with saying thank you to Liza Long. It was by chance that I ran across her name while watching a documentary on Netflix. Ms. Long's struggle with her son resonates through me and speaks of my story. The only difference is my story is my daughter. The internet is filled with stories and struggles depicted by Ms. Long, her son and family, but stories and struggles of life with a female child struggling with mental heath seem significantly fewer. It is at this very moment, that I decided to start my own blog on my struggles with my beautiful daughter Sydney.


Syd was a premie baby, because of the difficulties I had conceiving the doctors and specialist were never able to exactly pin point when I got pregnant therefore picking a due date was difficult. In the end, Sydney was born at least 4 weeks early. But she was healthy and beautiful, my miracle baby born of 2 years of tests, procedures and drugs. By far the happiest day of my life, was the birth of my daughter.


As a baby, over all she was a great baby with colic. Oxymoron I know :) Sydney would start crying at 3:00 p.m. on the dot and cry all night long. You could set an alarm by her. Of course being new parents, we did everything under the sun to survive that time period. As she grew, she was always a happy baby. Her dad and I separated when she was 5 (whole other story, but her half brother tried to hurt her, so my x husband and his son moved out) but her dad was always involved... as Sydney went into the 5/6th grade she really began struggling in school, she couldn't concentrate had difficult with tasks, paying attention. After having her tested she was diagnosed with ADD/ADHD. Again being the super mom I am, I didn't want my child on drugs, so I chose alternative strategies such behavior modification, coffee and caffinee therapy (affects ADHD brains differently) and continued this to the summer before the 7th grade when we finally put her on her first ADHD medication (I won't name it b/c different people get different results). But the results were horrible, my daughter was curled up in a ball at camp crying for hours, had horrible headaches. So we switched, things seem to get better in the beginning, but then the ugly goddess came out. She would lash out at everyone and everything with no cause, she would literally lose her mind over not finding a hairbrush and go into total melt down.


This behavior went on for months, finally she was weaned off that medication and began her third medication for ADHD. This one really seemed to be working, school was better, her frustration decreased, I really thought things were better..... now comes the 8th grade, my daughter is 13 years old and all hell breaks loose. Every one seems to remember their 8th grade year of school all the changes, hormones, peers but girls are a special kind of mean in the 8th grade. She was teased for being a fat girl, bullied for her over bearing personality and in fact was sexually harassed more than once. I made numerous trips to the school, the board, the principle, the superintendent and nothing was done. As her mom, I kept fighting the fight, not realizing the toll it was taking on her until Mother's Day 2012 when she told me she did not want to be on this earth anymore. It was to cruel and cold, people would be better off if she wasn't here. No words can hurt a mother more... no amounts of I hate you, you don't love me all the nasty things that come from your child's mouth when you are being a mother, could prepare you for the moment your child says they no longer wish to live. I remember hugging her sooooo tight and said "sissy I love you and I need you" don't talk like that... we will work through it. Immediately I got her into counseling. I love her counselor, she doesn't take any crap of my daughter who, no thanks to me, has learned how to manipulate her mom and I was to stupid to know.... again things seemed to be going well, getting better until one day during counseling Sydney said she had her suicide plan all worked out, she was just afraid to leave me without her. Again, my world was turned upside down, how could my beautiful wonderful daughter think that ending her life was her only choice. It was also during this time that Sydney tried cutting for the first time, she used a push pin and made thin lines that were really unnoticeable or could be excused as cat scratches.... Sydney spent 10 days in our behavior center, the adjusted medications and spent time in group therapy, I made every single visit, from start to finish, even the days when she was crying and begging for me to get her out of there, she didn't belong there. Making that decision was the hardest of my life, but I just knew that following the rules would get the outcome Sydney needed. Wrong again. Sydney just changed her game plan, and the more I tried to control her movements and correct her behavior,  the more she was determined to control the house.




The other shoe dropped when shortly after that, 8 months or so my son told me he wanted to go live with his dad. He loved his sister, but our environment was so tense and everyone walked on egg shells for fear of what Sydney might do at any given moment that he wanted to go live with his dad. (That's another story, my kids have the same dad, but while he's there is rather a douche). Anyway, in my mind that was the straw that broke the camel's back, there was no way I was going to let this 14 female hellion force her brother out of the house. I was putting my foot down. I set out two forms of punishment, the kind to earn
privileges back and nasty, dirty manual labor. Right off the bat, we all return to the house and Sydney looses her mind because she could not get on utube. It was an internet thing, but in her mind its a national conspiracy to keep her from doing what she wanted to. I calmly went into the kitchen and told her to grab the trash can (which she had thrown yogart into without a trash sack) and take it outside..... 3 hours later the trash can was finally scrubbed top to bottom. I heard everything from I am going to call the police, to this is child abuse, you don't love me, I am going to kill myself, I am going to cut, and all the while I said the only thing I had left to say, you do what you got to do, but you will clean the trash can first.


Again, this seemed to be a pivotal moment, the moment of change when I regained control of the home from the 14 year old wicked witch of the west. Not so much, she waited until I let my guard down the tiniest bit and we started all over again. My son did move in with his dad, and I see him every day, but it is not the same as having him under my roof. When he comes to stay the night, both of them go at each other's throats. I find myself in a haze of emotions, I miss my son, but I know he's better in a different environment, I am angry at my daughter for behaving the way she does, but I defend her and love her when no one else does.


To be perfectly honest, I have no idea anymore, if my daughter has mental health issues, we have heard everything from moderate depression, oppositional defiant disorder, ADHD and she's a normal teenager and most everything in between OR if her behavior stems from her "daddy leaving us" issues, if she's a just spoiled brat that I have created. I do not excuse my daughter's behavior by any means nor stretch of the imagination, I do not allow her to just do as she wants because its easier but man I am tired. I sometimes resent her dad for having a life, her grandparents who don't want to spend time with her b/c she's a handful, etc b/c in my mind I don't have a choice. She is MY child and I will never give up, until the day they figure out what is wrong with her, until her "daddy issues are solved" or the day she simply decides she has to grow up ... I will never give up.


She will be 15 in February... and on that day I will be extra blessed to know I have made it another year with my daughter's life still intact. I have much more to come, holes to fill in throughout this first blog but my purpose it to say to the mom's out there that feel alone and struggle every day with a difficult :) said with lots of love child, you are not alone.

PS please grammar Nazi, don't attack the writing, this was straight from the heart and I want it in its raw form.